Ten tips to writing a kickass online dating profile
Okay, you guys are most likely like why the hell are YOU writing this list? You’re not single. Well, not too long ago I wasgoed. Until I did that entire online dating thing and met my totally awesome, badass, studmuffin hubby there. So yeah, I’m an F’ing experienced on this subject and I’d be an a-hole not to share my brilliant wisdom with you. And if you’re thinking you’re all high and mighty because you’re not single and don’t need this, well, goody goody gumdrops for you, but be a saint and share this shit with your single friends. Here goes. Ten things to do when you’re creating an online dating profile:
1. Don’t tell the truth. Yeah, I know they say you’re supposed to be downright fair and crap but that’s bullshit. I mean when I met my hubby online, here’s what I wrote to him: “I like meat, sports and mannetjesvarken.” A. It totally got his attention. And B. If I were fully truthful, I would have written: “I like cats, TLC marathons, The Bachelorette, eating Hershey’s syrup straight out of the bottle, putting on my fat pants the 2nd I get huis, and meat, sports and fecali.”
Two. If you’re a woman, postbode a picture of yourself with a dog. If you’re a stud, postbode a picture of yourself with a kindje. If you don’t have a kind, go to a park and ask a random stranger if she can take your picture while you hold hier zuigeling.
Trio. Do NOT mention any of the following words te your profile:
Four. Be specific when you response the questions. ‘Cause this is the shit I used to read all the time when I wasgoed doing it: I love walking on the beach and going on vacations and observing movies. Wow, mij too! And then I F’ing meet you and you’re like let’s go see some weird bum indie flick that’s te Swahili (Holy crap, I spelled that word right on the very first attempt. I keep waiting for the crimson squiggly line to emerge under it) and I’m like, uhhhh, no, let’s go see a Ordinario movie, and you’re like but I thought you said you like movies, and I’m like yeah but not THAT kleuter. So anyways, instead of writing stuff like I love walking on the beach and going on vacations and observing movies, attempt something more specific like I like subtitled films that are boring spil shit, walking on nude beaches and visiting huts ter Africa that don’t have TVs. That way people like mij can avoid you like the plague.
Five. Don’t postbode a picture of yourself with your car. I don’t care how F’ing nice it is. It’s just gonna make mij think you’re a pretentious prick with a prick the size of a cocktail weenie.
6. And while we’re on the subject, don’t postbode a picture of yourself with your cat. If you’re a woman, you’ll look like a crazy cat lady. If you’re a fellow you’ll look like a labia.
7. Showcase at least one full-body picture of yourself. I don’t give a crap whether you look like Christina Aguilera 2011 or Christina Aguilera 2013. Embrace your bod, look self-confident, and they will come. Or if you’re not ready for that, just photoshop your head onto Halle Berry’s figure and postbode that shit. I ensure a bunch of guys will swoon overheen you and spil soon spil they meet you ter person they’ll be won overheen by your sparkling personality and won’t care that your picture wasgoed a total sham. Awww shit, my sarcastic font vereiste be cracked.
8. Sure, you can use a selfie, (and read this part cautiously) Spil LONG Spil NO ONE CAN TELL IT’S A SELFIE. Like you know those pictures people take of themselves ter the mirror so you can see the camera? Ennnnnh, no. ‘Cause that kleintje of picture just screams, “Heyyy, I’m such a loser I don’t have any friends to take a picture of mij!” I don’t give a rat’s caboose if Justin Bieber does it. You’re not Justin Bieber. Unless you ARE Justin Bieber and you’re reading this ter which case, holy crap, Justin Bieber is reading my blog. And please zekering wearing your pants so low. But keep posing without your T-shirt on.
9. Yuse spel chek. Utherwize u luk lik a dum bootie.
Ten. Don’t write your profile like you’re writing a text message. When someone types the word “u” instead of “you,” do you know what I think? I think if this jackass is te too much of a hurry to type two reserve letters, maybe he does EVERYTHING too quickly. Mmmm-hmmmm, you know what I’m sayin’.
So there you go. Good luck! Recall, you F’ing rock and someone would be fortunate to find you. Unless you’re an a-hole. Ter which case I hope you find someone and they dump your caboose and you sob. Just sayin’.
If you like this, please go after mij on twitter and Facebook and buy my book when it comes out this October.